Why understanding your child's behaviour doesn't mean accepting every behaviour.
By Maggie Pouplis
Somewhere along the way, the conversation about gentle parenting became rather confused. Apparently, we now have two options. We can either be strict adults who demand obedience and show very little interest in what children feel, or we can become endlessly understanding humans who calmly validate every emotion while our children dismantle the living room.
I would like to propose a third option.
We can understand our children, respect their emotions, listen to their perspective and still tell them, quite clearly, that some behaviours are simply not acceptable.
Because connection is not permissiveness. And empathy is not the absence of boundaries.
In fact, I would argue that helping a child understand what is acceptable, what is dangerous and what responsibility looks like is an essential part of our relationship with them.
The Difference Between Understanding & Excusing
Imagine a nine-year-old who has always been relatively peaceful. When other children tease them, they usually walk away. They may complain, cry or ask for help, but they do not respond physically.
Then one day, something changes. Another child insults them, perhaps even kicks them, and the nine-year-old reacts by physically overpowering the younger child and putting them in a dangerous situation.
Suddenly, everyone is asking the same question.
What happened to this child?
We may hear familiar explanations. Children are children. Boys will be boys. They have reached that age. They are learning to stand up for themselves.
But none of these explanations is sufficient when someone could have been seriously injured.
The child's anger may be entirely understandable. The insult or physical provocation needs to be addressed. Their previous experiences may help explain why they reacted as they did.
And none of that makes the violent reaction acceptable.
We can recognise that a child has been wronged without giving them permission to wrong someone else.
This distinction becomes increasingly important as children develop a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, fairness, intentions and consequences. Their capacity to reason about an event may be growing, while their ability to manage an intense reaction is still developing. Knowing what they should do does not always mean they can do it consistently, especially when they are overwhelmed.
But development should guide our expectations and our teaching. It should not become a convenient explanation for doing nothing.
A Boundary Is Not A Punishment
A boundary tells a child what is acceptable, what is not and what the adult will do to keep everyone safe. A punishment, particularly when driven by anger or humiliation, may simply communicate that the person with the most power gets to decide who suffers.
Those are not the same lessons.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends discipline that teaches appropriate behaviour through clear limits, consistent guidance and developmentally appropriate consequences. It also advises against physical punishment and shaming.
This does not mean consequences disappear. It means they should serve a purpose beyond making the child feel bad.
When a child becomes physically aggressive, the immediate priority is safety. Stop the behaviour. Separate the children if necessary. Check whether anyone has been hurt. Involve the appropriate adults.
Then, when the situation is sufficiently calm, we can begin the conversation that actually matters.
Not a twenty-minute speech about how disappointed we are.
A conversation about what happened, what the child chose to do, why that choice was dangerous and what they can learn to do differently.
We might say:
"I understand that you were furious when you were kicked. That should not have happened, and we will deal with it. But picking someone up and putting them at risk of injury was dangerous. You were responsible for that action. Being angry does not give us the right to hurt someone."
Notice what is happening here. We are not dismissing the child's experience. We are also not negotiating whether violence is acceptable.
Both things can be true.
Maggie Pouplis is an author, certified Parent Coach and nervous system educator, and the founder of Bonding Nest. Her work focuses on communication, emotional development, boundaries and the relationship between children and the adults raising them.
Explore Maggie's parenting programmes HERE!
Responsibility Without Shame
There is another distinction we need to make, and I think it matters enormously.
A child who behaves aggressively has done something wrong. That does not automatically make them a bad child.
When we confuse behaviour with identity, we risk moving the conversation away from what needs to change. A child who hears only "You are aggressive" or "You are a bully" may begin to understand themselves through that label, rather than through the choices they can learn to make.
We can be firm without defining the child by their worst moment.
And we should not underestimate the importance of honesty in these conversations. Children sometimes deny, minimise or change parts of a story because they are frightened, ashamed or hoping to avoid consequences. That does not mean every denial is calculated manipulation. It does mean we have an opportunity to teach that telling the truth matters, including when the truth is uncomfortable.
A useful response might be:
"I need to understand what happened, and I want you to tell me the truth. You are not in trouble for having feelings. We do need to address what you did."
The responsibility remains. The relationship remains, too.
And once the child is ready, we can discuss repair. What needs to happen now? Does someone need practical help or reassurance? What would a meaningful apology involve, and is the other child comfortable receiving one? What support will prevent the same situation from happening again?
Repair is not a performance we demand to make adults feel that the incident has been neatly resolved.
Children Need To Practise What We Teach
Telling a child to control their anger is not the same as teaching them how.
We can practise alternatives during calm moments. What can you say when someone provokes you? How can you move away safely? Which adult can you ask for help? What happens if the first adult does not understand or respond?
We can even role-play situations that children recognise from their own lives, allowing them to explore several possible responses without the pressure of an actual confrontation.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' guidance on emotional development combines emotion recognition and validation with clear limits, modelling and coping skills. These are compatible responsibilities, not opposing parenting philosophies.
And adults have some uncomfortable work to do here as well.
We cannot reasonably expect children to resolve conflict respectfully while watching us insult other drivers, threaten consequences we never intend to follow through on, or use shame whenever we lose patience.
We are not expected to be perfect. Fortunately, because that would eliminate most of us from the profession of being human.
But we do need to demonstrate that the rules apply to us, too. When we cross a line, we acknowledge it, apologise where appropriate and show what taking responsibility looks like.
Kindness Is Not Compliance
The goal is not to raise children who never disagree, never get angry and always do what they are told.
It is to help them understand that they have a right to their feelings, their voice and their boundaries, while recognising that other people have those rights as well.
A child should be able to say no. To challenge something unfair. To tell an adult they disagree. To ask for help. To recognise when someone has crossed a boundary.
And they should understand that defending themselves does not mean having unlimited permission to harm others.
Connection makes these conversations possible. Boundaries give them clarity. Consistent guidance helps children practise alternatives until those alternatives become more available when they need them.
So no, understanding your child does not mean accepting everything your child does.
Sometimes the most respectful thing we can say is a very clear no, followed by an equally clear message:
"I am here to help you learn a different way."
Maggie Pouplis is an author, certified Parent Coach and nervous system educator, and the founder of Bonding Nest. Her work focuses on communication, emotional development, boundaries and the relationship between children and the adults raising them.
Explore Maggie's parenting programmes HERE!